Why He Won't Commit

Dating Kevin was one of the most eye-opening experiences I’ve ever had. He was the one that hated my vices and I was faced with a decision to make a life change or go back to being single. I chose single life, but it wasn’t the vices that broke us up–well, sort of.

During the time that I dated Kevin, he’d lost the job he held for over eight years. He was feeling very down on himself and I think because I am a career-minded woman, he was always bothered by any and everything that had to do with my career. Kevin was no longer a working man, his only job was to worry about what I was doing and he did that very well. At first, I took his attention as devotion to me and getting to know me was high on his priority list. As a person in the media, my job is neverending, so there would be times, while we were on a date, or chilling at my apartment, that I would have to pick up my phone, address an email or worse, write a quick story. When we first started dating, Kevin was so enthralled with my demanding career, he even helped me write an op-ed. But that thrill was short-lived.

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One busy Tuesday at work, I watched my phone buzz and light up with Kevin’s name and I made a promise that I would respond quickly, but after four hours, another call came through and I slapped my palm to my face. “Hello,” I picked up, trying my best not to sound irritated because I was swamped.

“Hey babe. How’s your day? You saw my message and call?” Kevin said with a bit of desperation in his voice.

“Yes sweetheart, just swamped today, but we’re still on for tonight, no worries,” I said, trying to tackle his intention for calling before he could complain more.

Kevin sighed, “Yeah, I figured. I just really wanted to hear from you.”

“That’s sweet,” I said, checking my attitude before I responded. But then, I did what I normally do when I am irritated; I slathered my comment in sarcasm, “Would it work for you if I designated a 10-minute window everyday that we could chat and just catch up. I know you hate texting,” I smiled, knowing that I was kidding.

“Aww D, that would be sweet. It means a lot that you’re committed to staying connected,” Kevin admitted in honesty.

Wow. Ok. So this dude was serious; he wanted to connect with me on a daily basis and texting wasn’t enough. When I got past the initial shock of, “Ugh, I don’t have time to keep calling him,” I realized that Kevin didn’t think we were connected, unless we were physically together or at least chatting on the phone and/or having face time. This was a different experience for me, but after a lot of internal convincing, I was ready to at least try, however begrudgingly.

Later that evening, Kevin showed up at my job to pick me up for our date. I was so excited to see him. Kevin had this way of making me feel like I was the only woman in the world. “I missed you today,” he said as soon as I walked up to him, within earshot.

I smiled, kissing him and allowing myself to get lost in his lips. “What are we doing tonight?” Kevin asked after we pulled apart.

“There’s a really cool event we can check out, then we can go for a walk and have dinner,” I said, grabbing his hand and leading the way.

“Event? Like, work?” Kevin asked.

“Yes, I got it from work, but I don’t have to work it. It’s a really cool sports event and since you like sports, I figured you’d enjoy it,” I said, automatically feeling like I had to apologize for wanting to bring him to an event I acquired from work.

“Yeah, I don’t know. I mean, Let’s just go,” Kevin proceeded to tag along, but weighed down the whole night with his awful attitude.

I held my tongue, but by the time we got to dinner, I couldn’t hold it anymore, “Why do you get so nasty when I bring up anything about work?”

Kevin looked at me as if I had three eyes, “I don’t mean to be nasty, I’m just not here to be the Stedman to your Oprah. I love that you have a career that you love, but I don’t want to be your plus one.”

Kevin’s words cut me deep and ignited an argument between us that lasted for at least two hours. Kevin and I went back and forth on what going out meant to each of us and why anything related to work wasn’t something he wanted to attend. We decided to hit pause on the conflict, go home, get some rest and we’d tackle this chat again over the weekend. (I had to get up for working in the morning and I wasn’t about to scream at this man all night about my intentions of taking him to a work event).

On Saturday, I called Kevin to invite him out to a museum exhibit. He didn’t pick up the phone, so I texted him. He didn’t respond, so I decided to go out with my friends instead (after waiting 8 hours). The entire time I was at the museum, I checked my phone, to no avail. Kevin hadn’t called nor texted me back. *sigh* My friends and I went out for drinks after the museum and three drinks in, tipsy started hitting me and my phone lit up. It was Kevin. I ignored it. Five minutes later, it lights up again. This time, I chose to pick it up.

“Hey Kevin,” I said, with more enthusiasm than anger.

“Hey baby,” Kevin said with a smile in his voice. “What are you doing?”

“I’m out with my friends. What’s up?”

“See, this is what I am talking about. You don’t ever want to spend your free time with me,” Kevin started in on an unexpected rant, even though I thought I should be the one going off because I tried to reach him several times all day. He continued, “I tried to be understanding with your job. I know it’s a lot you always have to do, but then I never get your free time…”

“Wait a minute! I called you today! I wanted to hang out with you…” I started to explain.

“I can see that you’re never going to put me first. There’s always going to be something else in your life that gets your time and attention. I can’t keep trying so hard to be in your life if you don’t want me there,” Kevin stated in the most dramatic fashion he could muster.

“Kevin…” I started, about to beg him to hear me out, but then I got fed up from constantly having to explain myself or justify my actions to a man I’d only been seeing for three months. I was beginning to get into these arguments with Kevin almost everyday and more often than not, there was no resolve. I continued, “Kevin, you can’t be first in my life. Not yet. There’s my family, friends, work, my physical health…so many things that I honestly do care about more than you…for now. You’re just getting into my life…”

Kevin cut me off, “Like I said, I can’t be with someone who doesn’t have what it takes to make me number one.”

Maybe it was the liquid courage, or maybe it was the weariness I felt from the constant arguing, but I’d had enough and I hung up.

Kevin and I have spoken since that intense conversation and have done nothing but argue each time that we chat. He’s unwavering on his desire to be the number one thing in my life and he’s not willing to understand that he can’t have that position…yet.

Have you ever called it quits because your significant other didn’t place you in your desired rank in their life? Let’s chat @Rhapsodani.

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