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“If the only time I get along with you is when I’m inside of you, then we ain’t got no relationship.” ~Marlon Wayans

This Saturday, I tuned into “It’s Not You, It’s Men,” hosted by Rev. Run and Tyrese. Marlon was one of the guests on the show about sex and intimacy. During his segment, he dropped the quote above and his sentiments were spot on and extremely mature. Though the context of his statement wasn’t clear—because there are consensual sexual relationships that work for all parties involved—let’s look at it through the lens of couples with different expectations that find themselves lacking the true intimacy they crave.

These couples can often over-emphasize their sexual chemistry, while not realizing a lack of connection outside of the bedroom is relationship suicide. Having a smoldering chemistry in the bedroom is pointless if you can’t hold a conversation outside of the bedroom.

Sex is an extremely important aspect of a relationship. It is so much more than a means of procreation. Instead, it’s an expression of love, an avenue for a spiritual connection and an amazing way to connect on a higher level with your partner. But, it’s not the only thing. Instead couples need to focus on the non-sexual connection prior to applauding the fire they make in the bed…or the floor…or the shower.

Marlon brings up an extremely introspective point.

If one finds themselves in a relationship where the only balance, harmony, and pleasure exist during sex, then that isn’t a relationship at all. That, at best, is a sex-tuationship.

Intimacy is deeper than a physical attraction. It’s the desire to please and relate to your partner on a higher level throughout the day so that the bedroom will be the grand finale.

Men can be compared to a match. To get a matchstick burning, you strike it and fire appears. Conversely, women can be compared to damp wood. That wood will need tender loving care, planning, attention, and expertise to get a fire going. It’s a possible feat, but it is nowhere near as easy as simply striking a match.

When in the honeymoon phase of a union, lust is so strong sometimes, we can’t see a lack of depth. Depth varies from union to union, but ultimately all unions need commonality, mutual respect and adoration to truly flourish. This means you can’t only get along during sex if you want longevity. Sure a spicy cycle of breakup to makeup followed by makeup sex is fun, but it won’t carry you into your golden years.

We should all examine our relationships in and out of the sack. If we find more balance inside the sack than out; there might be a problem. To some a healthy sexual relationship with an unequally balanced day-to-day might be just fine. But, imagine that same union without the sex. In that case, it might not be as desirable. If nothing else, it’s food for thought.


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Relationship Truth: Just Because You’re F*ck Buddies, Doesn’t Mean You’re Friends  was originally published on