What’s the difference between an outlaw and a mother-in-law?
One is wanted.
Ba-dum-chhh. It’s a low joke, but it speaks to the strain that often surrounds a mother-in-law’s visit.
“My favorite line to daughters-in-law over the holidays is, ‘Put on your bra and pull up your big-girl panties,’” says Patricia Weber, creator of the Web site motherinlawhell.com. “That’s one big thing we preach. Each day is a new day. If you don’t get along, treat her like a colleague. Be amicable but to the point.”
Weber started the Web site, now 8,000 members strong, to vent about her own MIL — now her ex-MIL. The site is interactive, so women can post problems or scenarios and get feedback quickly.
The two biggest complaints from daughters-in-law: My MIL is interfering with child-rearing and My MIL competes with me for her’s son’s attention.
For the latter problem, Weber says, the man is partly to blame.
“Many husbands have never set boundaries for their mothers,” she says. “If you say a word to a man about his mother, he’ll say, ‘Don’t talk about my mom like that.’ But when Mom says something about his wife, he tells his wife, ‘Honey, it’s just the way my mom is.’ ”
Sometimes, of course, the daughters-in-law is the problem.
“They’ll write a story on the site, and you can see that they’re the daughters-in-law from hell,” Weber says. “The other women on the site will tell them they’re being brats.”
What every DIL should remember is that she might be a MIL herself someday.
Susan Abel Lieberman, author of The Mother-in-Law’s Manual, offers a sane voice from the other side.
“Nobody called your mother-in-law and said, ‘You’ve been a great leading lady, and now you’ve been replaced,’ ” Lieberman notes. “The mother-in-law doesn’t have the new script. She keeps thinking she’s the leading lady, and it’s hard because she liked that role.”
Typically, a son would rather turn away from his mother’s need than generate conflict with his wife, says the author. But it’s painful for him, and it doesn’t make for carefree family get-togethers.
Lieberman understands that a DIL often feels scrutinized, particularly when her MIL comments on the cleanliness of the house, the taste of the food or the behavior of the kids.
Even if a MIL swears that her comments aren’t criticism, she needs to learn to keep her mouth shut, Lieberman says.
“Don’t try and help your daughter-in-law by telling her there’s a better way to load the dishwasher,” Lieberman says. “Who cares how the dishwasher is loaded?”
The golden rule for mothers-in-law is, “Do unto others as they need to have done unto them.”
As for daughters-in-law, she says, it may help them to remember that they’ve won.
“They’re living with the son,” Lieberman
