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Dear Gay Best Friend,
Hey there! :-) First time reading/seeing your articles (and would love to sign up with you for EVERYTHING). You are hilarious! But, more importantly, you are straight up and to the point – love it. So, I’m praying you will give me some insight into my situation.
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I met this man going on 2 years back, and we conversed on the phone for a couple of months before ever physically meeting. The first time we met was VERY brief at a mutual friends house. I was in and out (running late, really). I was really attracted to him, but by the time I actually call for me and him to chill, A ONE NIGHT STAND, was the only thing on my mind, lol. I’m just being honest.
So, this dude BLOWED my mind, amongst other things, but I still didn’t plan on anything serious with dude. But, I definitely was gone let him hit it again. After the 2nd or 3rd time, we had sex and he gave me his house key, his grandmother’s house key. He told me he was gone wife me and I was going to have his first son. Common sense should’ve told me then that he was CRAZY. But, I was D***NOTIZED. Even though I still had some reservations about the growing situation between him and I. He was so kind and understanding. He seemed to have some sense and self-control about him. He is 40-years old and I’m 30-years old. In the midst of all this good sex and happy beginnings I met his family and he met mine. He painted my living room, bought me and my children clothes (I have 1 boy and 1girl).
So, barely six months later, I had to leave for a mandatory 30 days. He seemed to have held it down, but as soon as I’m released, he is gone that weekend. Then everything returns to normal, somewhat. I start to notice changes in his behavior, like his temper has a short fuse, getting upset over the simplest of things, and he is cursing his mother, whereas before, he always took time to understand. Then I find out I’m pregnant. Damn!
He was ecstatic, which had me somewhat hopeful that his attitude would change for the better. Well, it didn’t. Also, by the time I found out I was pregnant, his mother had moved to an apartment complex where he befriended some young men who don’t work and do drugs all day and night long – Green white liquor and pills. Personally, I don’t knock nobody for what they do, as long as they can handle their business. But, I barely drink and I’m a social smoker. But, slowly I’m slowing down my intake.
Anyway, he is happy I’m pregnant. I was sicker than a mug with this pregnancy, and he had no consideration. I didn’t want no hug, no affection, no snuggles after sex because the smell of him had me nauseous. And, I told him time and time again how I felt until I ended up being nasty back to him. I told him he makes me sick in every since of the word and to stay the “F” away from me. When I would be soft-spoken he wouldn’t act like he cared, or he just cursed me saying I was rude. I’m going to try to cut it short.
My last pregnancy was high-risk. So, I’m telling him that my blood pressure is going to shoot up and I might end up with other complications (mind you my blood pressure is already unstable on a non-pregnant day). But, he claims he thought I was lying, until I went to my OB/GYN and they made me go straight to the hospital, where I stayed until delivery (3weeks in-patient). My son was born at 26 weeks. Right before I was put in the hospital I picked up a nice black microwave for the new apartment him and his mother just moved into. Once again, it turns into something negative. This man violently was pushing me in front of my 9-year old daughter, while she was screaming for him to stop. Later that night he came by my house and cursed my mother and got nasty with my son. I did not press charges, but I did file a report. While I was in the hospital he threatened to kill me. When I got out he threatened to kill me.
Now he claims he never said it and I need to stop making up things. I still have the texts and police report to prove it. He also got kicked out of the hospital while visiting me. I really was just trying to be cordial because I still haven’t gotten over what he did to me in front of my daughter. Skipping to the end, now that our son is home and healthy, I went against my sense and accepted the invitation to his home while his mother was gone. My son was already there for 3 days so I figured me and the father should be ok for less than 24 hours. I was WRONG again. He ends up cursing me because I asked him, “Will you please stop just for a minute and give me the bottle of water you was telling me about? I looked all over the kitchen twice and couldn’t find it.” (The water was so I could fix my son’s formula)
So, after asking nicely two times, then getting yelled at two times, I went off on him for getting loud with me when all I was asking for was help so I could feed HIS baby. Next thing you know, me and my son got kicked out. He snatched the baby bag from me, and when I told him my son was hungry he told me, “That’s on you.” I simply responded by letting him know that I could eat whatever I wanted to, but it’s his baby suffering because of his, “ANGRY ass BS.” We ended up having the police come out to his place and he was disputing with the officer about why he should have to give me the things his son needs. Finally, he returns our baby’s things and I am able to leave. He blows my phone up later that night. The next day, and four days later, I still haven’t picked up, but he’s leaving messages saying he wants to see his son.
Now, here is my question- How should I go about visitation, if any? I don’t feel safe if me and him are the only adults in the house. He signed the papers for the birth certificate, but then changed his mind before I sent them in. (He didn’t want his name on it because of child support, however I do have his social security number)
But, I don’t really want him on the birth certificate anyway because that means he’s giving up all access :-)! And, I was going to tell the courts that it’s NOT his baby. Only thing is if he chooses to accept to send child support, and when they do the DNA test, they will find out it is his baby :-( ! (How backwards is that?)
PLEASE HELP ME! I NEED a little bit of your expertise and knowledge sent my way. Thank you, Boo! Oh yeah, he lies to everybody twisting reality to make him look perfect, but claims he has no reason to lie. I have caught him a couple of times. – Not Really Feeling Him
Dear Ms. Not Really Feeling Him,
It’s really hard for me to decipher your letter because I don’t speak Ghetto-nese. But, I will try.
First, I want to address the fact that this man has threatened to kill you, and he was removed from the hospital while you were giving birth to his child. Uhm, ma’am, (pushes your blonde bangs to the side and knocks on your forehead), if has threatened to kill, then I wouldn’t take those threats lightly. He means it, and I’m certain he will try to do it. Oh, wait, he has! Ole dumbass!
So, you’re asking me if you should allow visitation to this man with your child. And, you’ve stated that you don’t feel comfortable being along with him. Hmmmmm, what do you think you should do?
Let’s revisit some things: This is the same man who does not claim your child, asked that his name be taken off the birth certificate so he won’t have to pay child support, has shoved you while you were pregnant, so, he’s physically abusive, and he’s done it in front of your other children, he’s kicked you and his child out of his home, snatched the diaper bag from you, and continues to humiliate and berate you? Do you really need for me to answer this dumb ass question for you?
See, this is what happens when you are d**kmatized! You don’t know your ass from a hole in the ground. You put yourself in harmful situations that threaten your emotional, mental, and physical well-being, and yet, you have a child with someone who doesn’t, cannot, and will not ever treat you the way that you deserve. You will allow yourself to be misused and abused all for a man. A man you met in a few seconds of interaction and said to yourself, “I’m going to let him hit it because he’s cute, and I’m feeling him.” SMDH! You tricks are a hotmess.com!
I’m curious to know where is the father of your other two children? Are they actively involved in your children’s lives? And, why would you subject your children to another random man coming into your life, and he abuses you in front of them, and you’re still with him? What lessons do you think you are teaching your daughter? What do you think your son thinks of you? Don’t you know children repeat patterns that of their parents? So, when your daughter grows up and she meets men who abuses and mistreats her, then I want you to reflect on all the men, especially this bum ass dude, who you allowed to treat you any kind of way because you were d**k thirsty!
If the man doesn’t want to be involved with the child, and he doesn’t want his name on the birth certificate, then what more is there to discuss? He’s made it abundantly clear that he doesn’t want anything to do with the child, so therefore listen and observe everything he is saying, and not saying. Hell! Stop trying to appease him, and make him happy when he wants nothing to do with the child. He wants a convenient child. But, his ass didn’t want convenient punany when he was laying up with you.
Stop allowing yourself to be a doormat for this man. Stop being a bum chicken head running after someone who doesn’t want to be with you. Move on with your life! JEEZ!!! And, after reading your letter, and thoroughly cleaning it up, I suggest that you go back to school and get some education. There is nothing wrong with learning, and empowering yourself. Having an education will help you to create a life for you and your kids so that you won’t have to act like a dumb bird running after men, and this immature behavior.
Also, if you don’t feel safe having visitation with him alone, then ask the court to grant you supervised visitation. They do allow that. And, get him in his pockets since he doesn’t want to have his name on the birth certificate. You said you have his social security number, then take your ass down to the courthouse and file the child support papers. What are you waiting on? He is not going to change. STOP WAITING ON HIM TO BE THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE! He will never be that man. It’s time for you to grow up and stop acting like a little ass kid. You are a grown woman with three kids, and two different fathers. How do you think that looks? Yeah, it’s not cute. It’s not attractive. Stop being a dumping ground for random men to leave their semen. I do hope that you will start taking care of business, and stop letting this man treat you any kind of way. You create the terms, and you teach people how to treat you. So, if you don’t love yourself, and you think that you are a trick bag, then you will always find a man who will treat you as such. Get a life, please! – Straight From Your Gay Best Friend
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