Every couple craves together time, but who says you need to leave your house (and spend a bunch of money) to get it? Here, one slightly dubious duo puts stay-at-home dates to the test.Couples are supposed to have date nights. I get it. It builds intimacy so we’ll feel closer and happier. And every six months or so, my husband, Frank, and I have a date — dinner or a movie, then a quick trip to Target — and, yep, it’s lots of fun and we promise to do it more often. Then we don’t. Because we don’t haveextra money
to go out, and we’re too frazzled to plan it, or we’re tired, or it’s too hard to find a sitter. Or … or … or … ugh.
I get plenty of nods when I rattle off these excuses to the moms at soccer. Still, my closest friend, who knows my marriage issues (just as I know hers), is always urging me to go on regular dates with Frank — and I know she’s right. I decided the answer was dates at home. They had to be better than nothing, I told my friend. She was skeptical. I was determined.Shockingly, my husband was totally into it. Which makes sense, because of course he’s just as bored doing nothing together as I am.
The plan was to have one date a week for six weeks. I’m the organizer in the house, so I handled the details. We started our dates after the kids were in bed (my oldest, age 10, turns in at 9 p.m.), which didn’t leave much time, but an hour alone, focused on each other, turned out to be enough! Scene-wise, I took the effort and made things look nice, including myself. Low-key works for us; we know that what matters is blocking out time so we can hang out and laugh and be reminded why we love being together. Here’s how date-nights-in played out.
DATE 1: Cheese tasting
Cost: $40 (cheeses, crackers, and a baguette)
SHE SAYS: Okay, it’s not like we ate raw snails, but for us, this activity was a risk — we’re a cheddar and more cheddar kind of crowd. So the point was to take some chances. I went to a cheese shop and asked the counter guy to help me pick out several new cheeses — just 1/4 pound each, nine in total. I bought plain water crackers so we could really taste the cheese, as well as a baguette for the softer styles. At home, I set up a special atmosphere, with a cocktail shaker and rock glasses and our hardly-ever-used set of fancy cheese knives. We popped green grapes to rinse the cheese taste away between samples.
I was proud of myself for going waaay out of my comfort zone to try weird ones I usually wouldn’t have, like a stinky Papillon Roquefort and a gooey French Boucheron. Frank tried the really funky ones first, like the Stilton with dried apricot chunks, and when he gave it a thumbs-up, I felt less nervous and loaded a big chunk onto my own cracker. I think he felt good that I trusted his taste buds. We had a lot of bonding, “Piña Colada Song” moments: Who knew my hubby likes goat cheese?
HE SAYS: The way my wife had everything set up made it feel like a special night. We had cocktails with the cheese, which isn’t something we normally do at home, so that was a nice touch too. It was fun to test the cheeses together; it was like an adventure, because I didn’t know what to expect with every different taste. I was surprised at how many cheeses I liked. This is something I want to do again, even with other foods. It made me feel like I learned something, which was gratifying.
SCORE: 4
DATE 2: Bubble bath
Cost: $0 because we already had the supplies. (Mr. Bubble is $3.79 at drugstore.com.)
SHE SAYS: I was tired and wanted to stay in my cozy green chair watching fluff on TV. But Frank came to find me and asked me when we were doing our date, and the fact that he was so willing changed my mood. Clearly the dates were already having an impact, because he was asking for them! I hadn’t had a chance to buy any luxurious bubble bath, but he suggested we use the Mr. Bubble he found under the sink. He’s always good like that — he just rolls with it. We lit a candle and put it on a ledge above the tub, where it glimmered on the water, which was pretty. It was warm and relaxing and we chatted, and the quiet, simple physical contact was nice. And yes, we did the deed. But not in the tub. We’re not that bendy anymore.
HE SAYS: Our tub is deep but not that long, so I was squished, but I didn’t say anything because it was nice being close. She used to soak, but not since we had kids; doing nothing for that long makes her anxious, so I felt glad she was able to relax and be still.
SCORE: 5
DATE 3: Puzzle challenge
Cost: $13
SHE SAYS: I was into this until Frank came home with a 1,000-piece puzzle. That’s a lot of jigsaw! We spent the first hour staring at the pieces and not talking. In fact, we didn’t even look at each other because we were too busy digging through the box of pieces. I was overwhelmed and kind of bored. Even after an hour, we were only able to get 5 percent of it done. To me, this would be a good alternative to a night of TV or mindless Web surfing, because I liked the challenge, but it didn’t feel date-y. In retrospect, I should have ordered a smaller puzzle online, maybe a goofy one, like one with naked body parts as a lark. The zany factor would have made it a better time.
HE SAYS: I thought this was fun, but she lost interest about 30 minutes into it. I could tell because she was making her big sigh sounds. She was a trooper and didn’t complain, though, and we joked about how much work it was. The time went fast, and I had fun. I’ll keep working on it. It took a lot of concentration, and it made me so tired that I fell asleep as soon as I put it away. But it was good to do something different. [Author’s note: A few weeks later, Frank went back and finished the puzzle.]
SCORE: 2
DATE 4: Game night — Battleship
Cost: $0 because we own it. ($18 on amazon.com)
SHE SAYS: So fun! We wanted to play a game because it seemed doable in an hour. I loved Battleship as a kid, and so did he, so I stole it from my son’s closet. I had to squint to play it, which made Frank laugh. The grid on the new version of the game is hard to read! I have a strategy: Put one boat in a corner then cram the rest of the boats together in the center. No one expects that. (Yes, I won, and no, Frank wasn’t impressed with my special strategy, but he did laugh at the fact that I was so pleased with myself.) Since it’s an easy game, we were able to talk and connect, reminiscing about our first dates and stories from when our kids were babies. So much of that ancient history is fuzzy now, and it was great to fill in the blanks for each other and bring the memories back.
HE SAYS: This took about 35 minutes, which was good because it was a night I didn’t want her to stay up too late — because I was hoping to score later. Honestly, that’s what I’m always hoping for; what can I say? Mission accomplished.
DATE 5: Beer tasting
Cost: $30 (for 11 individual bottles)
SHE SAYS: We’re beer people, and proud of it, but we’ve been drinking the same grocery-store brands for a decade, so this seemed like a much-needed adventure. I shopped at the local beer distributor, where I knew I could buy single bottles. We pulled bottles out of the cooler at random, and each new flavor was a fun surprise.
I liked a lot of the brewskis we sampled: the imported Belgian ale and German malt liquor, and an India Pale Ale; we saved the labels from our favorites. We did a lot of laughing and chatting. (We never just sit and chat — a normal night for us is me watching crap TV in one room and Frank watching the History Channel in another.) We ate leftover cheese and crackers from our other datenight — no need to be wasteful, right? — and we drank only a few gulps from each bottle because we didn’t want to have headaches in the morning. So the extra beer went down the drain, which, according to my father-in-law, is good for the septic fields, so I don’t feel guilty.
HE SAYS: This was fun because it was something I’d never done or even thought to do. Most of the beers were microbrews whose bottles had unusual labels, with illustrations like alligators or pink elephants and stories about the beers and how they’re made. My wife and I both like art, and we both like to cook, so we were interested in that sort of thing. Midway through, I e-mailed a photo of all the bottles to the guys at work to show them how my wife and I were spending our night. I did polish off a few of the bottles while we sat and talked. The extra beer made me tired, and I fell asleep after, which is funny, because of any date you’d think you’ll get some action with your wife, it would be a beer tasting. Still, it was a great night.
SCORE: 5
DATE 6: Massages
Cost: $31 (Aveda massage oil, $21, and candle, $10)
SHE SAYS: This was sweet. I bought a nice candle, and made sure to get oil that absorbs, because I know Frank doesn’t like the thick, smelly kind. We were both tired, so we agreed to a 15-minute massage each. We turned the lights low and were really able to relax. We chitchatted, getting past our typical daily downloads of our days, and shared more than we usually do about other topics, such as friendships at work and things we’d like to accomplish in the future. We were naked, oily, and shut off from the world, and of course that was sensual, and of course it led to some additional sensual activities, but our brains bonded too, and that’s what made this date rock.
HE SAYS: When we were younger, we’d give each other massages with tons of kneading from head to toe. Because we’d both had a long day, this was more like deep back rubs. I forgot how good and relaxing it felt. My wife has a nice back, and I liked touching her skin, which I made sure to tell her because I don’t say those things as often as I should. The oil absorbed so we didn’t need to shower, which was a plus because after the action, I fell right to sleep.
Score: 5
THE TAKEAWAY
You know what? Dates at home worked. The mix of activities Frank and I did (and will keep on doing) kept our evenings interesting and fun, and of course we didn’t spend as much money as if we’d gone out — also a plus. Since embarking on our at-home dates, we’re more balanced, we’re more of a team in managing the house and kids, and we’re definitely more polite with each other — there’s less finger pointing over stuff like piled-up laundry or budgets. I’ve even noticed that my guy has started slipping his hand into mine when we’re doing errands together. That’s so not him. Weekly date nights in: a success
